Friday, March 27, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Don't Waste Your Life
In this weird season of life, I have found myself waking up to the most vulnerable time of anxiety I have ever experienced. Things that never used to cross my mind, I've found often crippling me. I'm finding myself in a deep time of really actively focusing on the LORD for my sustenance and really listen to and rely on Him for my peace.
It is no surprise that I am no stranger to grief and death. I have lost some very important people to me the past few years and there's not one day that goes by that I don't grieve those losses in some way. I think one thing those losses have taught me is to really focus on what eternally matters and not just petty things that happen in our day to day. Seriously, focus. There have been many nights that I lay in bed thinking about how I'm getting older (I know 30 is laughable to someone more seasoned), that I'm never going to have moments with people again that I've had before and that I will only be walking closer and closer to inevitable death (as we all will be) one day. It seems so silly to be caught up in anxiety with something that you have zero control over, so I'm choosing instead to focus on the good things in life and the memories that I want my child(ren) to have long after I'm gone.
I've also found myself sitting thinking about all the little things I don't have a clue about concerning my mom (i.e. what her favorite color was (blue maybe?), what her favorite song was, what her favorite food was (lasagna maybe?), where she wanted to travel most (I do know she loved Italy and wanted me to go one day....and go I shall), what made her most proud about my life, was she proud of me?, etc etc etc). There are a million things I wish I knew about she and my grandmother, but those days are long gone and I can only work to make sure my kiddo(s) know these things and more about me. I want everyone I come in contact with to know that I loved them and that I deeply loved the Lord.
There are so many moments lately where I have been thinking about the future and all that I want to accomplish. I have so. many. dreams. I am a fairly public person (i.e. I feel that who you see in public should also reflect who I am in private), so I usually just say what I'm thinking, but there's something about sharing dreams that is scary and feels so private. I think that's because when we share dreams, we are inviting people in to a place that we hold near and dear to our hearts...a place that is more vulnerable and open and tends to hurt a little bit more when people laugh or don't think you can do something or offer discouragement instead of encouragement. It's kind of like being on the playground in elementary school and you choose to "join the cool kids" only to be shunned because you're "different"...it stings the same. I'm choosing today to share some of my dreams. Not in hopes that you'll cheer me on (although that's awesome, because as humans, we were not created to do life alone), but in hopes that by sharing publicly, it will continue to stir something inside me to not waste my life and run head on toward the things I want to accomplish in this life. The reality is that life is so short and we only have one of them...so we better make it a good one. So without further adieu...
1. I want to write books. There...I said it. I've never admitted that to anyone before, but I want to...I've wanted to for a while. I want to write words that inspire people and cause them to get up and move and love and be.
2. I want to have a house with a porch, a piano and a patio/deck. Not just to have a house...to have a place to invite people into. To have a place that is warm and comfy and spurs me on in my relationship with the LORD and also inspires others to do the same. I have found that the best conversations happen on comfy couches with warm cups of tea or coffee in hand or a delicious meal around a table. I have found so much community this way and long to offer that to others who need the same.
3. I want to own a coffee house/cafe. Like I mentioned in #2...the best conversations I've had are over coffee, tea or a good meal. I want to share those things with others. I want my every day work like to be set around those things. I want to be able to invest in and pour into people that come through my doors...whether it be home or business.
4. I want to be a better photographer. No, I don't want to be a professional photographer....I want to take better pictures of my kiddo(s) and be able to bless others with pictures of their families as well. Not a career, but a fun hobby that I can bless others with.
5. I want to live in Africa again. Specifically? Mauritius. There is something about this place that drew me in, in 2008 and I left that part of me there when I came home to America. If you've traveled much, you understand this feeling. You understand that no matter how long you've been away, you feel it pulling you back. There are people that I left that I absolutely love and there are memories of what God did in my life that He hasn't done since. The LORD changed me so deeply in Mauritius and I want to go back...badly.
6. I want to travel all over the world. I want to find where God is at work, and join Him there...everywhere we go.
7. I want to grow our family more. Not only in number, but also in depth & service to others.
8. I want to not only be a good mom, I want to be a great mom.
9. I want to not only be a good wife, I want to be a great wife.
10. I want to know God deeper than I ever have before.
11. I want to give...even when it doesn't make sense...even when others think it's crazy and they never would...even when I may be being taken advantage of...even if it hurts...I want to give of my time, my energy, my money, my love. Not because I think I can "save" a person or "heal" them or anything like it, but because I want to be a living example of what Christ has done for us. I've had so many people tell me that Jesus didn't give all the time, give to everybody, serve everybody, etc....that Jesus doesn't tell us to do that as well....hogwash. Everything I've read talks about radical obedience and pouring your life out for the sake of others. That God must increase and we must decrease. That the first shall be last, the last shall be first. That the LORD cares for all people...not just those we think "deserve" it or those that we think are "worth" it. ALL. PEOPLE. I want to care for all people as well.
12. I want to sell houses. Why? Because I really love homes & much like #2, I think people are looking for something similar and I find it so fun to be able to connect people with that dream they have. I also just really love people. I'm an extreme introvert, but I love talking to people on a deep one on one level and I think this provides a good avenue for that as well.
13. I want to lead worship & write songs that declare freedom over everyone. I believe that the Lord put songs in my mouth and my heart for a reason. Since I could walk, I have played the piano in some fashion and in 9th grade I taught myself to play the guitar. Since I can remember, I've had a song in my heart and a deep yearning to share that with others. I went through several years of being fearful of sharing that gift with others and feeling I was "no good". The older I get, the more the yearning grows to serve the Lord and the church in this manner. I have had the opportunity to lead worship with a band in college, for our group in Mauritius, for a single's ministry in 2009, for many girls retreats and most recently for Recovery Ministry at our church. Part of my #2 goal includes space for a piano...this is why. I may need to add "good acoustics" to that as well (ha!).
14. I want to inspire and lead others. I want my life to be lived on purpose. I want to disciple girls and women. I want to be able to speak life into others' lives.
15. I want to create. I feel I was created to create. I want to create things that serve purpose. I want to create things that inspire. I want to create things that have meaning. I want to create.
... to be added to as I continue to dream ...
It is no surprise that I am no stranger to grief and death. I have lost some very important people to me the past few years and there's not one day that goes by that I don't grieve those losses in some way. I think one thing those losses have taught me is to really focus on what eternally matters and not just petty things that happen in our day to day. Seriously, focus. There have been many nights that I lay in bed thinking about how I'm getting older (I know 30 is laughable to someone more seasoned), that I'm never going to have moments with people again that I've had before and that I will only be walking closer and closer to inevitable death (as we all will be) one day. It seems so silly to be caught up in anxiety with something that you have zero control over, so I'm choosing instead to focus on the good things in life and the memories that I want my child(ren) to have long after I'm gone.
I've also found myself sitting thinking about all the little things I don't have a clue about concerning my mom (i.e. what her favorite color was (blue maybe?), what her favorite song was, what her favorite food was (lasagna maybe?), where she wanted to travel most (I do know she loved Italy and wanted me to go one day....and go I shall), what made her most proud about my life, was she proud of me?, etc etc etc). There are a million things I wish I knew about she and my grandmother, but those days are long gone and I can only work to make sure my kiddo(s) know these things and more about me. I want everyone I come in contact with to know that I loved them and that I deeply loved the Lord.
There are so many moments lately where I have been thinking about the future and all that I want to accomplish. I have so. many. dreams. I am a fairly public person (i.e. I feel that who you see in public should also reflect who I am in private), so I usually just say what I'm thinking, but there's something about sharing dreams that is scary and feels so private. I think that's because when we share dreams, we are inviting people in to a place that we hold near and dear to our hearts...a place that is more vulnerable and open and tends to hurt a little bit more when people laugh or don't think you can do something or offer discouragement instead of encouragement. It's kind of like being on the playground in elementary school and you choose to "join the cool kids" only to be shunned because you're "different"...it stings the same. I'm choosing today to share some of my dreams. Not in hopes that you'll cheer me on (although that's awesome, because as humans, we were not created to do life alone), but in hopes that by sharing publicly, it will continue to stir something inside me to not waste my life and run head on toward the things I want to accomplish in this life. The reality is that life is so short and we only have one of them...so we better make it a good one. So without further adieu...
1. I want to write books. There...I said it. I've never admitted that to anyone before, but I want to...I've wanted to for a while. I want to write words that inspire people and cause them to get up and move and love and be.
2. I want to have a house with a porch, a piano and a patio/deck. Not just to have a house...to have a place to invite people into. To have a place that is warm and comfy and spurs me on in my relationship with the LORD and also inspires others to do the same. I have found that the best conversations happen on comfy couches with warm cups of tea or coffee in hand or a delicious meal around a table. I have found so much community this way and long to offer that to others who need the same.
3. I want to own a coffee house/cafe. Like I mentioned in #2...the best conversations I've had are over coffee, tea or a good meal. I want to share those things with others. I want my every day work like to be set around those things. I want to be able to invest in and pour into people that come through my doors...whether it be home or business.
4. I want to be a better photographer. No, I don't want to be a professional photographer....I want to take better pictures of my kiddo(s) and be able to bless others with pictures of their families as well. Not a career, but a fun hobby that I can bless others with.
5. I want to live in Africa again. Specifically? Mauritius. There is something about this place that drew me in, in 2008 and I left that part of me there when I came home to America. If you've traveled much, you understand this feeling. You understand that no matter how long you've been away, you feel it pulling you back. There are people that I left that I absolutely love and there are memories of what God did in my life that He hasn't done since. The LORD changed me so deeply in Mauritius and I want to go back...badly.
6. I want to travel all over the world. I want to find where God is at work, and join Him there...everywhere we go.
7. I want to grow our family more. Not only in number, but also in depth & service to others.
8. I want to not only be a good mom, I want to be a great mom.
9. I want to not only be a good wife, I want to be a great wife.
10. I want to know God deeper than I ever have before.
11. I want to give...even when it doesn't make sense...even when others think it's crazy and they never would...even when I may be being taken advantage of...even if it hurts...I want to give of my time, my energy, my money, my love. Not because I think I can "save" a person or "heal" them or anything like it, but because I want to be a living example of what Christ has done for us. I've had so many people tell me that Jesus didn't give all the time, give to everybody, serve everybody, etc....that Jesus doesn't tell us to do that as well....hogwash. Everything I've read talks about radical obedience and pouring your life out for the sake of others. That God must increase and we must decrease. That the first shall be last, the last shall be first. That the LORD cares for all people...not just those we think "deserve" it or those that we think are "worth" it. ALL. PEOPLE. I want to care for all people as well.
12. I want to sell houses. Why? Because I really love homes & much like #2, I think people are looking for something similar and I find it so fun to be able to connect people with that dream they have. I also just really love people. I'm an extreme introvert, but I love talking to people on a deep one on one level and I think this provides a good avenue for that as well.
13. I want to lead worship & write songs that declare freedom over everyone. I believe that the Lord put songs in my mouth and my heart for a reason. Since I could walk, I have played the piano in some fashion and in 9th grade I taught myself to play the guitar. Since I can remember, I've had a song in my heart and a deep yearning to share that with others. I went through several years of being fearful of sharing that gift with others and feeling I was "no good". The older I get, the more the yearning grows to serve the Lord and the church in this manner. I have had the opportunity to lead worship with a band in college, for our group in Mauritius, for a single's ministry in 2009, for many girls retreats and most recently for Recovery Ministry at our church. Part of my #2 goal includes space for a piano...this is why. I may need to add "good acoustics" to that as well (ha!).
14. I want to inspire and lead others. I want my life to be lived on purpose. I want to disciple girls and women. I want to be able to speak life into others' lives.
15. I want to create. I feel I was created to create. I want to create things that serve purpose. I want to create things that inspire. I want to create things that have meaning. I want to create.
... to be added to as I continue to dream ...
Monday, November 3, 2014
Title Post
Brave.
Defined as… ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.
My heart
longs to be brave. I feel it welling up inside of me like hot embers ready to
be released to burn up anything in their way. The Lord is calling me to let go.
Let go of things that are holding me back from Him. Things that are holding me
back from joy. It sounds crazy, but my job is one of those things. The Lord has
put in me a desire and angst to own my own business…to flourish creatively as
He has designed me to be…in relationships and in life.
I want to
open a coffeehouse/bakery. I want to be able to run a solid business that
glorifies the Lord and gives to ministries. I want to invest in my employees
for the kingdom. I want to serve a good
great product. I want to be
able to have conversations with people over coffee or tea and talk about Jesus.
I want to encourage dreams and visions. I want to paint. I want to love people
and love them well. I want to be generous. I want to do something I’m so scared
to do. I want this.
I want to be
brave.
I want to
jump beyond the shore into the waves.
He’s calling
me into the waves.
I cannot
make it there without Him.
He alone
will make this happen.
He alone
will hold my hand and walk me from the safety of the shore.
He’s calling
my name.
I feel it.
Fear. Fear
is trying to hold me back.
I have a
thousand and one questions running through my head and heart at any given
minute. Where will my paycheck come from? What about debt? Will I need a loan?
Where will the money come from? Will this be a good decision for my family?
What about Nick? What about Zion? What about the bills? Where would I even put
this venture? Would anybody even support me? Would anybody even care? Would God
allow me to fall flat on my face? What if it doesn’t work out? What if is does work out!? What if? What if? What
if? What if I jump and He doesn’t catch me? What if I jump and He lets me soar?
What do I have to lose? What am I losing by not trying?
Tonight, I
am praying that the Lord quiet my heart so I can hear from Him. I need to hear
from Him. I am desperate for His voice. I need the storm that is raging around
me and in my heart to settle so I can focus on His voice. He’s calling me.
I feel it.
VERSE 1:
I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow
CHORUS:
As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in
As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in
VERSE 2:
I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace
I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace
BRIDGE:
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
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