It is no surprise that I am no stranger to grief and death. I have lost some very important people to me the past few years and there's not one day that goes by that I don't grieve those losses in some way. I think one thing those losses have taught me is to really focus on what eternally matters and not just petty things that happen in our day to day. Seriously, focus. There have been many nights that I lay in bed thinking about how I'm getting older (I know 30 is laughable to someone more seasoned), that I'm never going to have moments with people again that I've had before and that I will only be walking closer and closer to inevitable death (as we all will be) one day. It seems so silly to be caught up in anxiety with something that you have zero control over, so I'm choosing instead to focus on the good things in life and the memories that I want my child(ren) to have long after I'm gone.
I've also found myself sitting thinking about all the little things I don't have a clue about concerning my mom (i.e. what her favorite color was (blue maybe?), what her favorite song was, what her favorite food was (lasagna maybe?), where she wanted to travel most (I do know she loved Italy and wanted me to go one day....and go I shall), what made her most proud about my life, was she proud of me?, etc etc etc). There are a million things I wish I knew about she and my grandmother, but those days are long gone and I can only work to make sure my kiddo(s) know these things and more about me. I want everyone I come in contact with to know that I loved them and that I deeply loved the Lord.
There are so many moments lately where I have been thinking about the future and all that I want to accomplish. I have so. many. dreams. I am a fairly public person (i.e. I feel that who you see in public should also reflect who I am in private), so I usually just say what I'm thinking, but there's something about sharing dreams that is scary and feels so private. I think that's because when we share dreams, we are inviting people in to a place that we hold near and dear to our hearts...a place that is more vulnerable and open and tends to hurt a little bit more when people laugh or don't think you can do something or offer discouragement instead of encouragement. It's kind of like being on the playground in elementary school and you choose to "join the cool kids" only to be shunned because you're "different"...it stings the same. I'm choosing today to share some of my dreams. Not in hopes that you'll cheer me on (although that's awesome, because as humans, we were not created to do life alone), but in hopes that by sharing publicly, it will continue to stir something inside me to not waste my life and run head on toward the things I want to accomplish in this life. The reality is that life is so short and we only have one of them...so we better make it a good one. So without further adieu...
1. I want to write books. There...I said it. I've never admitted that to anyone before, but I want to...I've wanted to for a while. I want to write words that inspire people and cause them to get up and move and love and be.
2. I want to have a house with a porch, a piano and a patio/deck. Not just to have a house...to have a place to invite people into. To have a place that is warm and comfy and spurs me on in my relationship with the LORD and also inspires others to do the same. I have found that the best conversations happen on comfy couches with warm cups of tea or coffee in hand or a delicious meal around a table. I have found so much community this way and long to offer that to others who need the same.
3. I want to own a coffee house/cafe. Like I mentioned in #2...the best conversations I've had are over coffee, tea or a good meal. I want to share those things with others. I want my every day work like to be set around those things. I want to be able to invest in and pour into people that come through my doors...whether it be home or business.
4. I want to be a better photographer. No, I don't want to be a professional photographer....I want to take better pictures of my kiddo(s) and be able to bless others with pictures of their families as well. Not a career, but a fun hobby that I can bless others with.
5. I want to live in Africa again. Specifically? Mauritius. There is something about this place that drew me in, in 2008 and I left that part of me there when I came home to America. If you've traveled much, you understand this feeling. You understand that no matter how long you've been away, you feel it pulling you back. There are people that I left that I absolutely love and there are memories of what God did in my life that He hasn't done since. The LORD changed me so deeply in Mauritius and I want to go back...badly.
6. I want to travel all over the world. I want to find where God is at work, and join Him there...everywhere we go.
7. I want to grow our family more. Not only in number, but also in depth & service to others.
8. I want to not only be a good mom, I want to be a great mom.
9. I want to not only be a good wife, I want to be a great wife.
10. I want to know God deeper than I ever have before.
11. I want to give...even when it doesn't make sense...even when others think it's crazy and they never would...even when I may be being taken advantage of...even if it hurts...I want to give of my time, my energy, my money, my love. Not because I think I can "save" a person or "heal" them or anything like it, but because I want to be a living example of what Christ has done for us. I've had so many people tell me that Jesus didn't give all the time, give to everybody, serve everybody, etc....that Jesus doesn't tell us to do that as well....hogwash. Everything I've read talks about radical obedience and pouring your life out for the sake of others. That God must increase and we must decrease. That the first shall be last, the last shall be first. That the LORD cares for all people...not just those we think "deserve" it or those that we think are "worth" it. ALL. PEOPLE. I want to care for all people as well.
12. I want to sell houses. Why? Because I really love homes & much like #2, I think people are looking for something similar and I find it so fun to be able to connect people with that dream they have. I also just really love people. I'm an extreme introvert, but I love talking to people on a deep one on one level and I think this provides a good avenue for that as well.
13. I want to lead worship & write songs that declare freedom over everyone. I believe that the Lord put songs in my mouth and my heart for a reason. Since I could walk, I have played the piano in some fashion and in 9th grade I taught myself to play the guitar. Since I can remember, I've had a song in my heart and a deep yearning to share that with others. I went through several years of being fearful of sharing that gift with others and feeling I was "no good". The older I get, the more the yearning grows to serve the Lord and the church in this manner. I have had the opportunity to lead worship with a band in college, for our group in Mauritius, for a single's ministry in 2009, for many girls retreats and most recently for Recovery Ministry at our church. Part of my #2 goal includes space for a piano...this is why. I may need to add "good acoustics" to that as well (ha!).
14. I want to inspire and lead others. I want my life to be lived on purpose. I want to disciple girls and women. I want to be able to speak life into others' lives.
15. I want to create. I feel I was created to create. I want to create things that serve purpose. I want to create things that inspire. I want to create things that have meaning. I want to create.
... to be added to as I continue to dream ...
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